Sunday, August 5, 2007

One click patent ©®™

The Israeli version of the 'American dream' has become in recent years the 'start-up' dream. as far as everyone is concerned you can come up with some silly idea get a patent for it and get rich. the concept is so wide spread that the expression 'that's a startup(company/idea)' meaning 'a trivial/obvious/stupid idea' has come to replace a previously wide spread expression 'that's a patent' - meaning the same thing . everyone here has some startup idea. mostly these ideas are impractical/impossible/useless/done-to-death/done-and-failed/already-exist[1].

So, following in the footsteps of my people i wish to present my new 'startup' idea - the amazing 'one click patent' software:
In this revolutionary new product you can enter your patent application and then get it reviewed and approved in just one click! with patent pending patent issuing technology our application can run through thousands of previously issued patents and cross check the validity of the patent pending patent request. With the new patent pending Insta-Pent™ algorithm we can scan all current human knowledge and judge the LOI (Level Of Innovation) in your patent vs. the current level of background innovation. once your application has surpassed the LOI required by US patent law[2] , our software automatically confirms your patent. if your patent request is below the minimal required LOI you are displayed a unique Insta-Ject™ screen showing our friendly (Copyrighted) message : "A thousand monkeys can come up with Shakespeare and all you can come up with is this? please hire more monkeys and try again later". So hurry and get your copy of "One click patent".
In the words of our advertising agency : "Get a patent today, before all the good ideas are taken!"

All kidding aside, the reason people think of a patent as something easily attainable is because it actually is. of course, i could be wrong, it might take a true genius to come up with one-click-purchase. personally, i think the conversation leading to the patent went something like this:

Marketing : "our users are not buying things fast enough!"
Development : "why not?"
Marketing : "well, i've done some extensive research and it seems that people are clicking on the wrong things in our website. they have to click again and again..and they get confused. i conducted this research on myself."
Development : " , what do you suggest?"
Marketing : "well.. i dont know. this is a real though one. maybe we can add more flash animations, pop up windows and commercial banners?"
Development : "but wouldn't that cause the exact opposite of what you are trying to achieve?"
Marketing :"let me think about this for a minute....hmm.....yes..i see your point. ok , well then how about ..."
Development : "listen, why don't we just reduce the number of clicks a user has to go through when buying something? maybe we can use some sort of account"
Marketing :"oh, stop it with your technical terms, this is a real world problem. let me think about this scientifically. well, the minimal number of clicks a user can possibly make is two.."
Development :"what? why two?"
Marketing :"You see - thats what happens when they make me talk to technical people , everything has to be explained to you people - you have to click on things twice to get them to do stuff. it's known in the marketing world as 'twicely clickable' "
Development :"you mean double click?"
Marketing :"if you must use layman's terms.."
Development :" know, you don't actually have to click everything twice.."
Marketing :"of course you do."
Development :"no , you don't, look (click) "
Marketing :"what? let me try that, you're probably unconsciously clicking twice. ....(click)...hmm...(click again)....interesting. hey listen. this gives me an idea. why! this is brillant! what if we had a button on all our products that supports this single click technology? i'll have to research it, but im pretty sure no one has ever thought about this before. we should really patent this one"
Development :"patent? clicking on something once to buy it? your not serious?"
Marketing :"of course i am. you technical people cant appreciate real-world creativity when you see it."

[1] - pick any combination you like. as unlikely as it may sound, some of the things i heard are impossible and impractical and still have been done to death , and of course , failed because they are impractical , impossible and completely useless.

[2] - due to the level of innovation in our product we have advanced far beyond current patent application laws (apparently no one else seem to agree about the need and validity of our LOI concept..a mere technicality).therefore, predicting the coming change and definition of LOI we use the Amazon One-Click-purchase patent as a benchmark for all other applications. if you are at least as innovative as one-click , you are automatically granted the application.


Dan said...

It's so sad.
One thing I just can't agree with, is the part where the marketing person says: "OK, I see your point". From what I've seen, marketing people are still very much in favour of pop-ups, flashy banners, stealing emails, and forcing users to register wherever possible.

(I'm talking from other people's experience, of course. OUR marketing people are the best.)

Yossi Naar said...

yeh, it's usually more like "i don't care if you think it's a useless feature or even if its possible to implement, i already sold it to all our clients so just go and make it work"

Cianna said...

Thanks for writing this.

Yossi Naar said...

i'm glad to see someone pops in here from time to time