Thursday, August 9, 2007

Planet of the Spoons

A recent study proved that spoons are rapidly disappearing from our planet. some suggestions are made by the researchers as to where the spoons are disappearing to, the most promising suggestion is based the theory from The Guide - The Theory of Plane of the Spoons!(imagine hearing ominous notes)

As you all know, The Guide is the most reliable source of information and is widely regarded by the scientific community as infallible. With such a well established source of information as basis for this theory, i decided to go forth and extend the original paper. The results of my research will be presented in an n part series (n>=1). While the spoons eventually migrated into a utopian planet where they live a happy spoonful life, much controversy and conflict preceded their arrival at their new home planet. This part tells the story of how it all began.

Planet of the spoons resides in an undisclosed[1] location. it enjoys a cool average temperature of about 15 degrees and long walks in the park. It’s one of those rebellious planets that never joined up with a stable star system. it just flies carelessly through space refusing to revolve around a sun or trim it's pointy mountains. It likes to hang around asteroid belts and sometimes pretends to collide into a passing sun to scare the natives. The spoons didn't really want to settle on this planet, but the leaders of the exodus convinced everyone that its really a nice planet and he just got a bad rap.

When word got out that spoons are planning to migrate from earth into their own planet, other cutlery where skeptical of this move. Everyone knew that the knives were on the verge of achieving teleportation and that the forks have almost completed work on their faster than light drive, but no one imagined that the spoons would be the first to leave the planet. only when the first spoons started their migration did the cutlery world finally realize that the spoons were on to something. a committee was founded and a joint task force was sent to the leaders of the spoons in an effort to persuade them into letting everyone escape from the clutches of the evil humans[2]. The spoon leaders refused the request and were given an ultimatum by the knives to disclose the location of their planet and means of transport "or else...".

"or else what?" asked the spoon leaders. "" said the knives. The spoons were not impressed[3]. Nevertheless, fearing the knives might come up with something more imposing to threaten them with, the spoons expedited their efforts to leave this planet. they were about to begin a massive quantum leap removing all spoons at once from the planet, when it was discovered in the nick of time[4] that this may result in all spoons being here and there at the same time (bloody quantums and their superior positions.) it was then decided to forgo the original plan and instead have someone stand by the machine to watch it and make sure the quantums behave themselves. This meant that someone had to stay behind. Since no one wanted to stay some method was needed for choosing the operators of the machine. at first it was suggested that everyone draw straws and this was generally agreed upon by everyone as the best method with the least amount of complications. However, the straws strongly opposed this method so a different solution had to be found. A vote was suggested, everyone could vote for the person they did not wish to see operate the machine. Naturally, the idea failed when everyone voted for themselves. This effectively destroyed all future hope for a democracy amongst the spoons as this attempt at voting clearly demonstrates that everyone only thinks about themselves and shouldn't be allowed to make decisions for other people.

After democracy was finally proven to be completely useless, a succession of regime changes followed as the spoons tried them all to decide which method of government might be the best one for their utopic planet, and more practically - to decide who stays to operate the machine. Unfortunately the lack of government prevented the spoons from coordinating their search for a better regime and all regimes were attempted simultaneously. Many spoons were lost during this dark period in spoon history. But fortunately for the spoons it didn't last very long. The forks were secretly trying to capture the machine and the spoons quickly united against them and blocked the attack. In the aftermath the spoons realized that the best leadership is not leadership from within, but from without! Instead of uniting with each other, they could unite against others!

....To be continued...

[1] - i have been sworn to secrecy and may not reveal the true location. i am only allowed to say that its most definitely NOT somewhere in the vicinity of betelgeuse.

[2] - almost all humans were considered evil and clutching , except for the Chinese since the chop stick population was widely ignored in those days*.

* - while usually the past is considered better then the present, some aspects of it are considered by most to be less then optimal. these days chop sticks are regarded as only slightly less equal then other kitchenware (the word cutlery is now considered a racial slur)

[3] - some suggest that it was actually the insidious forks behind the attempt to threaten the spoons. it is widely accepted that while ominous looking, the knives rarely work without the forks.

[4] - deceptively called nick, but actually played by johny

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